MẠ NÌ ( HEY MUM)

I 've just come home from my friend Cathy home at 3 PM.
I went leaning for a rest against the drawing-room window, looking out into the garden. Q. was pruning the kiwi tree. Remembering suddenly Barbara had asked me to give her a few cuttings to plant in her garden, I donned my sweater and went out to ask Q. to cut them for me.
While waiting, I looked at the sky. It was overcast, but here and there, there were patches of blue sunny sky.
That sky, I thought, was familiar to me, but how was it that I felt sad and didn't like very much to see it in this month.
I suddenly recalled, it was indeed November, the month I disliked most in the year since 1995.
The light cloud, the chilly Autumn wind, the declining sunshine, the masses of half black half grey clouds have left a big infinite void in my soul: I have lost my Mom in this month, I have become an orphan!
How could I describe that deep- rooted and enduring sadness! As long as I 'd live, I 'd everyday swallow the salty tears while faltering: where 's my Mom? and I 'd say to myself:- Mom has left me, but I 'd comfort myself: :Mom is however always living in me, hello Hương!
Mum, how could ever the very present dream of mine be realized, maybe some day I 'd become a Queen, or turn into a millionaire, or travel round the world, but alas, I could never more kneel down besides your feet, put my head on them anh hug you saying: Mum, Nu ( my name at home),Mạ có nạnh không, like I would say so to you in my childhood.
Mum, how is it that right now, I 'm utterly missing Dad and Joe, maybe because I 'm feeling so alone, I live just for the sake of living, but my life has no longer any meaning.
Mum, here 's my husband by my sides, as well as my children, but no warmth radiates from them, I, like all my family, could find only love and affection in strangers.
Mum, if you were still on this world, residing in your apartment in town, I would come everyday to see you and seek your advice on this and that. Actually, formerly I appreciated your diet of brown rice and sesama, but through a queer spirit of contradiction, I would not tell you and sometimes refused to eat. Now my hands are empty, I have no longer mother, no money.Dad is also not rich, he used to reduce his needs and donate me the spared money. Sometimes I feel desperate, I would like to send gifts to daddy and Joe on certain occasions, but atlas! I can't realize my wish, only in my dream could I give them pleinty of things.
Mum,I think I 'm just like you, everyday I have some thought to write down, but right at the moment I have no paper handy, or I 'm busy, then I foget all about it, anh the next day, the thoughts have become obsolete, and I feel too much lazy to try to remember them.
Mum, one day, I considered stopping my life here to go to St Gaudens to have another more interesting one, at the beginning I felt so attracted by the idea, because on that day, Q. was very agressive against me, I wanted to abandon home and go far away for some time. I asked Dad for advice, he dissuaded me to do so, in exposing the inconvenients of such a change. But as you know, it was not because of Dad's dissuation that I abandoned the idea, you know my character, but rather for a certain number of reasons.
First, I disliked the town, because I have pleinty of bad souvenirs there, as well as the road from St Girons to St Gaudens,
Secondly abandoning my life in St Girons would be like catching at shadows, and live a hazardous life.
Morever, if I leave home, who would burn incense at the Buddha 's and ancestors' altar and that of living invisible genies protecting my family.
Mum, I know you are still loving me and I, only I alone can feel your presence beside me everytime you come down, everything I can enjoy now, I owe it to you. All this week, I 've been burning incense to pray you to help me realize all my wishes and I know that you have granted me your assistance, I thank you so much.
Mum, formerly when I went downtown to visit you, hardly had I reached the staircase that I smelt the delicious fragrance of your cooking, heard the sound of the TV, and the classical music of Daddy, how joyful it was at that epoch. Now, I only went to the flat to take the mail for Daddy from the mailbox, I rarely went inside because I can't bear the emptiness and the heartbroken silence. I only went inside when it is sunny to open the windows for airing, and let in the noises of the town, then I walked about in search of something familiar, but I couldn't tell what and couldn't find out. And when I leave the apartment, the profound emptiness broke my heart so grievously that no medicine could cure it nor could it be made whole by any glue, only your presence could operate that miracle.
Mum; at present I often called Dad to comfort him. I also wished he could be by my sides to cook him a plate, and be sweet with him, because formerly I used to be so aggressive with him. Sometimes, I feel that I hate myself, because of the faults I committed towards both of you, I think even if I live a thousand  lives, I could never pay my debts to both of you, especially to you.
Mum, you told me that in your previous life, you owed me a blood debt, so in this one, I came into your family to have it paid. When I was born, you nearly died because of the haemorrhage provoked by the inexperimented midwife, afterwards I had made you suffer through all your life untill your departure, and never had I made you happy one single day, and then you passed away never knowing that I loved you all the time.
Mum, this evening I write you these lines, which only express the darknest feelings, however should you understand them right at the moment, then these dark ideas are the most luminous light I am sending you from the core of my heart.
Mum, through those lines I make my sincere amends, though I have only written them down that night, actually since you departed, every breathing of mine expresses never-ending amends
I end my message to you in telling you: I 'm awfully missing you, Mum!

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